when oblivion comes for you, don't forget to slide on the ice?

yeah, i wrote about that - too much, perhaps

so where do you find yourself? in your chasms? your home? the family whom you adore,

and they share the same ideal of you, right back.

for someone as myself, the chronically ill, trans-femme person.

the one who did seven years of chemo,

the one who has the gene marker of, hla-b27 - it carries my disposition and i worry, more…these days.

the one who fell on the blade, for you all.

yes, you.

the one who cannot love, the one who lacks the point of view in which i have.

i hold a degree for the future, in my education. i would argue in someways, i could be a future. i study cybersecurity.

i did a 6 month crash course of it, over the past two years - the two years of leaving ‘home’ - of being forced from it.

of having it litigated out from corporate lawyers, of seeing the evil fester in ex-spouses, in ex-lovers, in an ex…of all.

i don’t believe that i’ve ever had an ex. i love hard, and with that kind of love you give. i’ve learned it actually, never goes away.

and somehow, neither do i… begrudgingly!!!

i actually don’t know how to not, be around. i don’t know how to inflict that hurt, the kind that comes forth after falling in and out of love…after growing, after failing, after…it all. where do you stand?

i stand w/ myself, really only. but i’m glad i do it because of the love. yeah.

the love - corny.

but when you have a gene with a 50/50 shot of passing it down, one that i have to live with…the rest of my days around - one i found when i was 14 years old.

i turn 25 on jan, 24th.

born 2000.

in a snowstorm, the same in which stares down northern va, where i’m in a hotel, yapping words as usual.

but despite having to ask someone for another loan tomorrow, to get through another day, to hopefully get to the flight i have…to the midwest, to where the storm is moving out from, at the moment.

it comes for you too, eventually. all of us. maybe this concept of ‘oblivion’ i pen you’ll never meet. i really hope you don’t have to.

when you have full lower body paralysis for 24 hours, followed by 72 hours of blood transfusions, followed by…no one, on that other side.

on the other side.

on the other side.

on, a side of…something.

on the first day, of the rest of your life maybe.

the first of lasts? the first of the firsts - who cares, i can go on.

but the point is, i won’t yearn on about the oblivion, maybe in more subtle ways i’d prefer but, i sure as hell met it.

and now i watch the 16 inch snow storm barrel into my hometown - it just got passed where i hope to be on the 8th, KC. it’s gonna make that a bit more challenging, but for good reason.

when you’re bound to an infusion chair, for seven years. you learn how to watch.

but for me? i’ve always loved, watching…

hold off on calling me weird for a moment.

but when my sister and i sat in kin, next to our Windows XP computer, she played games…maybe for me. because i was too young to really enjoy them.

but i learned how to enjoy vicariously…along for the ride, maybe. hell, i’m okay with it.

when my body gave out, way too young for anyone to realize. i realized.

i prepared, i watched the sun rise, and how it falls…it does the same thing, every. single. day. did you know?

i enjoy it, no one else wants to.

yet, im glad it’s my personal thing - i even wrote a song about that, as i do.

just like i wrote about this moment, staring down an oblivion? been there…

i’m going to be sliding on the ice, i hope not physically…i cant afford to break a bone these days!! i wouldn’t really recover, from an injury like that these days.

better reason to…enjoy this. yes, chaos. but, i’ve been there, done that.

i think being a classically trained percussionist prepared me for a moment like this, for a disposition to build a new rudiment…i have a few that i’d need to write in proper music notation…one of these days i’d love to.

not now, thankfully.

for now,

“when oblivion comes for you, don’t forget to slide on the ice” - not even my quote i’d admit now too.

thank you, mia. for that one <3

sometimes you can still make it yours, it’s not stealing if it’s sincere. and if you make it right, in the end, too. (you have to make it right)

i’m trying to these days. just make it, do it. but, correctly?

there’s a right and wrong to it all, the wrongs are when you hurt someone, when you continue your own pain, into another. the generational trauma? - end it, if you must.

you’re allowed to,

i wasn’t. so i did it, anyways

be well, regardless <3

-alice eliza

songs for the road: #1 , #2 , #3

i have some snow to watch, then ice to slide on. <3

catch ya?