i am a natural competitor,
in music, performance, sports...i refuse to not, push myself
and while that's maybe not - a problem. if i dont acknowledge why i do
--it especially gets lost, in me.
i would hope there's a fire underneath everyone, something to motivate, something to elevate...does one live for anything, these days?
i sure do,
a fear.
it's as if everything matters so much that then, nothing really seeps into me.
my prose goes from, steady words in serif fonts.
to a combination of css, markdown, and monospace. however it may fit.
-- i struggle w/ relatability
--- opens up easy, but keeps everyone in a trance so i can get my mind off of
"this idea that i'm dying faster than everyone else"
and why is that still,
the most competitive aspect of my life.
it works harder than me in classical music, in written words...in spoken thoughts still, it always. wins.
the bell, a tone, your clauses
and yet i still
cannot get over the floods,
i remember waking up a few times in hotel rooms
--it felt like waking up out of surgery, the one i had on my spine when i was 16 especially.
they forgot to give me pain meds out of it, i smelled them eating lunch as i came out of anesthetics.
i couldn't open my eyes, there was no muzzle on myself, there were still...no words either.
i think a lot on our innate pain tolerances, how your body when it would choose to, goes numb - defense mechanism in action.
why mine doesnt really...alert? it runs closer in my blood. i follow it closer in my head.
there's a toll to that, like 7 years of chemo-therapies - weight
and still,
why is it still my job?
i didnt ask for it, much like me...i came w/ the gene.
'there was a piano composition i made last time i felt like this, i named it "worked to the bone" - then, but i've sorta repurposed it w/ a silly name.
i want to be able to get back into my composition worlds. there's a lot more of me in that, than the electronics, or the words. i think the sounds have always been the most important to me, and that's why i tend to keep them for myself. it's a selfish act, and im a selfish person. but for the art, for my sounds, for the words that go in and out and out and in.
there's nothing more, 'me'...than that,
a sound,
a lil song
a chordal structure that i hope has never been written'
we can hope
xx
-alice