Only for a moment

Create or die Create or die Create or die Create or die Create or die

For so long here I had to wonder, what it means to be alive, dead…worse—forgotten.
It's too easy to burnout, it doesn't feel the same. There's no measurement there, you go until your finite source runs out.
Whether that be exhaustion, or a revelation. It has to decide to take you.

I had never felt what burnout really was, I also had never felt life be so catastrophically wrong at the same time.
Waking up to night terrors, hearing & feeling tones telling me to run.
How do you feel safe when those sirens in your head keep blaring, getting louder each day.
It's create or die. It carries a lot of weight, there's no other way to really compare it.

While creating, it's fluidity in sync. No metrics to define you. No rights, nor wrongs. Just…you.

And a blank screen, canvas, head-space—even too.
For what you don't know will always come to surface. Thoughts that barely break the surface tension creep closer and closer to the light of day in you.
To nurture, or not. It's terrifyingly me, once again.

After a while, I see my flesh exposed in my guarded self. I see the stretch marks, the pain, words that don't make sense—that can't make sense, billow up. Slow suffocation, if not acted on.
Now is the truth something to be afraid of?
Are truths allowed to change?
What's holding you up in the end as well?
Falsities feel more like a blessing than a curse sometimes.

At least in falsehoods, there's always a truth—both sides. I can see myself questioning more and more of it everyday.
But with truths now, it starts with myself.
Between inklings of giving up and valiant hope, there's a special kind of quiet space, reserved, and full of hope waiting to be revered.
It gleams in perfect nights, I swear speaking to it makes it speak back.
Hope is something that could never be found in truths, It lays in a subconscious…do you lie as well?

Because there's so much to lie about—success, happiness, that you ever have it figured out. My lies tug on me, I don't know if I bend to being fake, a poser. Or if the lack of 'knowing what I'm doing' permanently keeps me in check.
The more I lie the more I want to live the truth, with happiness & my sword in check. I crave the safety of it more than anything.
Are you safe in lies?
For a moment, yes.

But only for a moment, for when it passes, and you stand at attention. There will be only you.
Someone I hope you trust to lead you through the darkest of nights. There will be no reward, or honor just—a simple solitude to make wrongs, right.

Love the world because it loves you back

xoxo

-Alice