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1-26-2025 10.16.15pm.wav
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1-26-2025 10.16.15pm.wav

i still don't know what i do

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So I am trying to do something new here.

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I suppose it's narration.

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I suppose it's just talking.

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It could be called yapping to me.

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But I still think it's important.

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And I'm going to try to do it more, so bear with me on it.

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Narration is really important to me because when I write words, they're just

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Maybe words on paper, words online.

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Words that no one knows but myself how to read.

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I read with a cadence.

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I speak with one especially.

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And I think that goes back to my musicianship roles I have.

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my internal rhythm,

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the fact that I'm a drummer,

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the fact that I'm a classically trained percussionist,

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and that somehow watching the waveform dance on my phone as I speak into this microphone,

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seeing it is almost like finding home again.

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It's kind of where I grew up at, watching waveforms dance in

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in Daws and Ableton Live and everywhere.

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I think there's something really special in digital audio and being able to

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re-record everything to make it,

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I suppose,

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perfect,

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but is perfect what you want and is perfect what you will ever get,

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even in a performance that you can make perfect?

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Is it meant to be?

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I don't think so.

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Because for me,

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when I make digital music,

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electronic music,

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classical compositions with sample libraries that aren't technically real,

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but you wouldn't be able to tell the difference anyway,

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so I guess it's perfect.

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And then the back and forth is, if it's real, are you a poser?

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Are you a fraud?

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Does it even matter if you are?

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If you have the confidence to say you aren't?

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And that's where I see it.

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That's how I feel for myself.

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To me, earnesty means everything.

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And to most people, I think it's what matters too.

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But what's earnesty when no one can see between the lines of you?

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What's earnesty when there is

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no replicant of you,

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when you're the only vessel for yourself,

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when you're the only thing that can wake up through cancers,

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through chemotherapy,

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through immunosuppressants,

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through - feeling your body shut down in real time,

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and then waking up and you still being alive through it.

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Where does it go from there?

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And where do you stand with it?

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I'm curious.

xoxoxo

-alice

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